She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
