It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
