ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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