youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
