if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
