I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
