dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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