Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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