peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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