Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
