You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
