Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
