this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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