From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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