On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
