your parents love me but you hate me
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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