If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
