i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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