i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
How naked do you want me to be?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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