So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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