You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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