i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
