oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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