There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
