Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
