I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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