the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
