i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
