my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
