I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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