dude i'm inner monologue high
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
