Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
