Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
