i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
