i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
