I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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