so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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