I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
