remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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