She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
