Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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