Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My ass is underappreciated
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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