Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
