Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
