We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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