New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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