I think i peed on brittanys purse
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
