smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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