you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
