508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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