I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm way too hungover for life right now
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
