Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
