I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
