I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
