Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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