He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
