OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
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