omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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