Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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