now i know why i became what i already was.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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