I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
