dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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