I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
