Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
