Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
