wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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