After last night, I could never be a politician.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
