Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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