My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
